There are several questions that must be answered by both of you before taking the plunge to save the relationship.
First question, is abuse involved in your relationship?
Anytime one of you is being abused by the other, the relationship is toxic. Abuse doesn’t have to be just physical. If you experience emotional, mental, psychological or physical abuse you must protect yourself and leave.
If you are married and want to save the relationship then you need professional help to resolve the issues before you can take steps to heal the hurts of the past and save the relationship. In this case the abuser must first be saved from the behaviors that led to the destruction of trust in the first place.
Second question, do you have trust, respect, honesty and commitment between you?
Sometimes you have to look beyond the anger and resentment and determine if you have been honest and they’ve been honest with you. Can you respect them and love them again? If the answer to these questions is no, then staying together will only get you more of the same. Without respect, trust and honesty, you have nothing in a relationship.
Third question, do you still love your partner?
Notice the question isn’t are you “in love” but rather do you love them? Love is a decision you make. It isn’t a feeling or the fluttering of your heart when they come in the room. That’s infatuation. Love is deep, abiding, respectful and a commitment you make and don’t break. Love is a decision you make when the other person drives you absolutely crazy and you don’t understand their actions. Love is a decision when the home is mess, they’ve lost their job, they’ve gotten angry or they’ve forgotten your anniversary or birthday. Love is a decision that you make. Do you still love them?
Fourth question, at some point, did you work well together?
Couples are a team and they have to put in a team effort. If you didn’t ever work well together in the past, there isn’t much to assume that if the relationship got better you would work well together in the future.
And last, can you be yourself with your partner?
Being exactly who you are is important. You can’t keep up a facade for years. Sooner or later the other person will see right through the games you’re playing. And honestly, do you want to be with someone you can’t be yourself with?
Be You, Be Two, Be New![:]